Your Stars Part 3
Hit TV show 'The X Factor' is back on our screens giving us all a rare, legitimate chance to laugh at the mentally ill during the audition stages. In this PC berserk world we now live in, such an activity has become scandalously frowned upon so it's only right to thank ITV for reviving this tragically forgotten pleasure by switching on in your droves. Also coming soon to your screens?.Black & White Minstrel Idol!
It's time to confront your partner about their recent suspicious behaviour - the extra hours spent at work, returning home slightly dishevelled and an unwillingness to make love to you because 'they're tired'. Be bold and act first - burn all their clothes and smash their belongings to pieces before confronting them about their infidelity. Do not accept their explanation that they're doing overtime to pay off all the credit card debts you've run up because they love you and want to enjoy a stress free future with you. Ditch them and find someone that accepts you for who you are - a paranoid, insecure, unreasonable, unhinged, spendaholic who'll do whatever a rubbish fictional astrologer tells them.
A night out with an old friend makes you realise what a hash you've made of your life in comparison with theirs. They've got a better job, better relationship (including regular sex) and a better car and there's absolutely no prospect of you improving matters. Take solace from the fact that they had something nasty hanging out of their nostril for the entire evening.
This could be a month to really make something of your life. So go out, find a drug dealer, score some crack and heroin and start developing yourself a habit. This advice may fly in the face of previous wisdom on the subject but just look at Pete Doherty - the moment he starts getting off his face on junk he gets in the papers every day, scoops a couple of top ten singles, makes a bucket load of money and bags himself a super model girlfriend. Just say 'no'? Just say 'pass the crack pipe' more like.
Aquarius What the hell is going on here? I'm not getting anything for you Aquariusans (or whatever you're called) this month. Every time I do this chart I just get a sudden urge to rush out and buy a Ford. Bizarre.
DO NOT watch the third programme of the current series of X Factor UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! Apparently there's a hopeful who, in a bad light, may resemble myself slightly (but certainly IS NOT) who sings a wonderful rendition of a Brian McFadden song, and after an utterly unjustified mauling from Simon 'Wouldn't Know A Singing Psychic Megastar If It Poked Him Up The Jacksy' Cowell, ends up crying hysterically in the arms of Kate Thornton. Even though that poor unfortunate WASN'T ME (!) I'd like to take this opportunity to tell Simon Cowell that he's deprived the country of the greatest musical talent since, well, Brian McFadden. It's your loss Cowell - not mine that bloke that looks like me!!!
Loss is difficult for anyone to cope with but please remember the old adage that time is a great healer. Your life may, at the moment, seem emptier than a fridge within the vicinity of Eamonn Holmes, but you must cling onto that light at the end of the tunnel - Big Brother WILL be back on next year.
September- the month that Summer turns to Autumn and a little happiness disappears from our hearts. There's a chill in the air where once there was glorious warmth. Those bright summer evenings start being lost to dark, depressing ones. The opportunity of the odd cheap thrill disappears as attractive young people start wearing more clothes and Saturday night TV on BBC1 becomes unwatchable as they trot out another appalling flop of a new series in a bid to compete with Ant & Dec and The X Factor. It's all gone rubbish hasn't it? Hang on though, it's not all bad - if you're a parent, the kids go back to school! Woo-hoo!!!
The new moon this month brings with it renewed optimism and with it banishes any doubts you had about certain major decisions you've had to make - you were absolutely right not to refuse your best friend's fiancé when they came on to you recently. Your friend is still on the verge of a breakdown following the death of their mother and would certainly have been in no mood get up to the filthy stuff their fiancé demanded of you. You are truly a wonderful friend, a view they will no doubt endorse when you tell them what you did. I'd leave it a few years before you do though - or perhaps a few decades.
Cancer- terrible name for a star sign isn't it? Surely if we have to have a sign named after an illness or affliction, it'd be better if it was something less awful - like 'Ricketts' perhaps or 'Thrush'. Mind you, there'd have to be a new symbol to go with it and designing one wouldn't come cheap. Hang on- got it! We can keep the existing symbol and just change the name to 'Crabs'. Bingo!
Beware of your short tempered nature and try and keep a perspective on things this month. We've all been there and it would be a struggle for anyone to retain their composure in similar circumstances but just remember this - as infuriating as it is, being asked 'if you want fries with that' when ordering a McFlurry does not give you the right to get the assistant in a head lock, march them out of the door, drive them to a remote location and force them to watch re-runs of Celebrity Love Island. Sicko!
I see cards - greetings cards. Gifts. A cake-with candles on. It looks like some sort of celebration, perhaps even a birthday celebration. Yes - it's going to be your birthday! Happy Birthday (except those of you born in August)! God I'm good.
Your stars are available via http://www.24-7london.co.uk. They are written by a variety of people under the guise of 'Alex Barker'. 24-7 London is an online entertainment guide to London, England with a sense of humour.
Its All About Seeing the Signs
Ace of Base hasn't seen the sign for quite some time now, but that doesn't stop the rest of us from doing so. In fact, on a regular basis, I see a lot of signs - and I don't like most of them.
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11 Alternative Garden Games
Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come to entertaining your garden party guests? Weary of boring badminton and jarts? Croquet not your style? Then you're in the right spot! Here are games sure to make your next party the hit of the gardening social season!Icebreakers Game #1: The Gnat Slap Equipment required: A garden of any size. As your guests arrive, invite them for the obligatory 'stroll through the garden'.
Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians
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Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my contact lenses still in my eyes. And by "lately," I mean for the past seven years.
Funny Things We Dream
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Tales of a Spectator Spectator
Watching the fans at a minor-league baseball game is just as fun as watching the players. From the silent statues to the loud cartoon caricatures, from the self- contained families and social groups to those who fully participate with the game, from the normal to the abnormal to the absolutely bizarre, the crowd at the stadium is a microcosm of the human race .
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3 Surefire Ways To Combat Rising Gas Prices
I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately.
Silver Linings Are Everywhere
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Your Stars Part 3
LibraHit TV show 'The X Factor' is back on our screens giving us all a rare, legitimate chance to laugh at the mentally ill during the audition stages. In this PC berserk world we now live in, such an activity has become scandalously frowned upon so it's only right to thank ITV for reviving this tragically forgotten pleasure by switching on in your droves.
Space, and the Room for It
Space exploration came a long way since I was the size of a measurable amount of it.I remember with some pain, my first ride on a penny farthing with its big wheel and long spokes that were well engineered to cut a foot or two off anyone's legs.
The Language of Appalachia
Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few years ago and learned that I do, indeed, have an accent. You see, unlike my paternal grandmother, I don't stretch the word "cornbread" into four syllables.
How To Get Attention, or: As You Read This, You Feel an Irresistible Urge to Go On Reading!
We all want attention. As children we crave the attention of our parents.
Important Safety Tip$
I was given a list of Do's and Don'ts of interacting with people who have dementia. I've modified this list only slightly to guide you in safely interacting with corporate executives.
Cant Get There From Here
Can't Get There From Here Juneau is the capital of Alaska, but did you know that you cannot drive there from anywhere? You can fly into Juneau or you can take a ferry to Juneau, but you can't actually drive there. There are no roads into Juneau.
How to Build a Cobblestone House
He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down - certainly not if the house was built with cobblestones. Building cobblestone houses was a folk art that flourished in upstate New York from 1825 until the Civil War in 1860.
Cheer-Leadership or All I Need to Know About Business I Learned from Cheerleading
Thanks to teen movies, many people have this stereotypical idea of cheerleaders as being ditzy and mean. However, there are a great many life-lessons that can be learned during your time on the team that have surprising application in the business world.
Short Story: Take a Trip To The Temple Of The Great Tomato
Jimmy Jenkins Jr. is not an adventurer, traveler, or pioneer.
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